6. Son of a Pitch: THE STAINED GLASS SUN AND MOON

6. Son of a Pitch: THE STAINED GLASS SUN AND MOON

Title: THE STAINED GLASS SUN AND MOON

Age/Genre: YA Contemporary

Word Count: 80,000

QUERY

Sixteen-year-old Jules Geary is taking a pregnancy test. If it’s positive, her life is over. If it’s negative, she gets a second chance, but it won’t be with Jesse. Not after what they did to each other.

At the beginning, things were good. Surprise dates, impromptu road trips and falling in love. Nothing else mattered. Not even Jesse’s brother’s crush on her or Jesse’s ex-girlfriend circling like a vulture.

Then things started to matter.

Jesse got resentful over the time Jules spent at softball practice and she was annoyed by his lack of support. They got into a fight and Jesse made a huge mistake. So did Jules.

Now she’s standing in a bathroom, waiting three minutes for a sign. What happens after she gets it will be worse than anything she can imagine.

250 WORDS:

I lock myself in the bathroom stall and sit down, clutching the test. To my right, someone flushes, and a group of women by the sinks discuss their jobs. This is not the place I want to learn my fate, but I have no choice. If I go home, I risk being caught by my parents and I can’t handle a confrontation after what happened with Jesse tonight. It’s better to be surrounded by strangers, even though I suddenly feel both exposed and alone.

“Lauren?” I ask.

“I’m right here,” my best friend answers quickly from the other side of the door and I relax enough to tear open the box. The instructions are a confusing blur of diagrams and words, so I toss them on the floor. I don’t need a step-by-step on how to pee.

“Jules?” Lauren reaches under the door to pick the paper up. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” My hands are shaking so hard I almost drop the stick in the toilet. “I just forgot how long this is supposed to take.”

She moves her face to the crack in the door and whispers, “Three minutes. I’ll time it with my phone.”

“Hold on.”

“Oh, sorry.” She turns around and I almost laugh at her embarrassment. The only one who should feel that way is me. I’d rushed to Jesse’s side earlier that evening because his voicemail said he needed me. We were supposed to work things out.

6 thoughts on “6. Son of a Pitch: THE STAINED GLASS SUN AND MOON

  1. oooh. I kinda love your query.
    the only part I wanted to tinker with was the last sentence. See if you can flip it around and remove the word it… otherwise bravo!

    your first 250
    tight and filled with tension – well done
    love the internal thoughts and reasoning.

    best of luck!

  2. I would like to know a little more about the stakes involved here. Why is her life over if she’s pregnant (beyond the obvious teenage pregnancy trope)? What is her second chance? How, exactly, does Jesse factor in to what’s coming? Your query seems to focus more on what’s already happened than on what’s happening in this story. We need that information. It’s what’s going to sell this story!

    Your first 250 words are solid. I enjoyed them and would like to know more, but I just don’t have a good idea of what direction this story is going because that information isn’t provided in the query. 🙂

    Good luck!

  3. You know…it’s really annoying when critiquers do this…but I can’t find a single thing here that I’d change. Good query, good tension, good character development.

    Well done. Thank you for your entry!

  4. Love the title, and would love to know the outcome of that pregnancy test! Good job ratcheting up the tension! Good luck and congratulations on your participation in Son of a Pitch – your hard work speaks volumes regarding your courage and willingness to follow your dreams and achieve your goals!

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