Good Advice is Hard to Find #1, with Dr. Sé

Good Advice is Hard to Find #1, with Dr. Sé

Welcome to a brand new regular feature on QFT, “Good Advice is Hard to Find.”* This will feature advice on any subject: writing and publishing of course, but also anything else that you might want help with.
The feature draws from a rotating staff of experts.** Today Dr. Sé, the preeminent twitter advice giver answers reader questions. You can trust him. He “knows stuff.”

Do you have any suggestions or formulas for boiling eggs when on intergalactic travel? The change in atmosphere has led to some explosive results and a very hungry traveler.
– Starving in Space
Eggs take longer to cook in low air pressure. If you are having explosive results, then, it’s probably because you have too much air pressure in your ship. This is probably also why you have migraines more often and why any passengers without a skeleton or exoskeleton are all squished.
Try opening the airlock for a few minutes to let some of the air out.
Unless you’re dealing with a phlogiston-based atmosphere. That stuff just screws up everything.

If you get bitten in a wookiee fight, should you get a rabies shot?
– Kung Fu Fighting in Mos Eisley

Honestly, if you’re in a position where a wookiee can bite you, let alone is likely to do so, you have bigger problems than rabies.
But if you somehow manage to survive your encounter with the most majestic of extraterrestrials, and you don’t bleed out from having your arms ripped off, your first order of business is to visit a wizard. Because you got a serious problem:
Now, you’re probably thinking being a were-wookiee would be awesome. “Dr. Sé, what’s wrong with turning into a wookiee once a month?” you may ask.
And I would answer, “The part where it’s only once a month.”
As a mere mortal, not being a wookiee is fine, because you don’t know what you’re missing out on. But once you’re introduced to the immense incredible-ness of being a 7-foot tall furry beast of macho sexiness and raw power… being a normal human will never satisfy. You’ll turn suicidal within a week of the first full moon.
Conduct yourself accordingly.

You’ve probably heard of “constructive procrastination,” how do you fight it? Or give us a funny story when you lost.
– Putting it Off on Twitter

I’ll uh… get back to you on this one.

My boyfriend keeps asking me questions like, “What’s a sprite anyway?” I get tired of continuing to explain myself. I just want to be understood. Please advise. Suggested reading for him or couples therapy referrals are welcome.
– Unfickle in Fairy-town

Nothing Beats the Taste of Sprites
Nothing Beats the Taste of Sprites

Also, please be aware

Search Your Heart. You Know It To Be True
Search Your Heart. You Know It To Be True

And also

and Sprites are from the Bottling Plant
and Sprites are from the Bottling Plant

But also be aware that my groundbreaking relationship guide Men are Science Fiction Dorks; Women are Fantasy Nerds is available on Amazon for only $59.99.

How can we resolve the budget crisis?
– Curious in Congress

It has recently been shown that Nickelback is actually more popular than Congress (source: Public Policy Polling). Making Congress officially the worst thing ever.
I don’t know how to make them work, because no one does. Forrest Gump would tell you that “stupid is as stupid does” which is kind of a fatalistic way of looking at things. I prefer to think of it as “you can lead Congress to water, but you can’t make them swallow the cyanide pill we all wish they’d take.”
So maybe I can suggest a way to save money in our budget.
Let the pandas die.
We spend millions of dollars every year trying to save from extinction an animal that not only eats, exclusively, a food that has almost no nutritional value, but doesn’t even want to breed. This is a species that has lost the will to live. We should let them go.
And don’t try blaming this on human intervention. We can’t get them to breed in captivity, but they don’t even breed in the wild. We’re basically forcing nonconsensual sex on the pandas who just want to eat themselves into a coma and die.
Even if we didn’t save that money, we could at least put it toward saving endangered species that has an interest in making babies and eating food.
Failing that, we can just put the TSA in charge of Congressional security. I’m pretty sure they’d pass a budget just to defund the TSA at that point. Maybe the pandas could be in charge of airport security? They’d certainly be less interested in molesting us.

Last week this girl at my school slammed her locker and glared at me. My right hand suddenly felt like it was on fire. Do you think she might be a witch? Or do you think it was because I was trying to steal her Justin Bieber poster out of her locker?
– True Belieber in Tweens

I had all sorts of theories until you got to that last bit. At that point, I just decided that it was karmic retribution and the real solution was just to firebomb your entire town from orbit and wash my hands of whole affair.

To get a question answered in this column, tweet with the tag #qftAdvice or drop a line on our Facebook page.

* No guarantee, real or implied, is given that any advice given in this forum will be helpful, insightful, or even safe. Utilize advice at your own risk. The advisor, QFT, nor anyone else takes responsibility for any property left unattended. Keep your arms and head inside the vehicle at all times. Store in a cool, dry place. May cause headaches, skin color change, nausea, and/or death. Allow six to eight weeks for delivery. ^

** The term “expert” is not meant to indicate any sort of expertise in the relevant, or any, field.^

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