What's Wrong with The Avengers

What's Wrong with The Avengers

Well, there’s this. It’s clearly meant to be campy and funny, but it fell flat for me in a lot of cases.

Everything Wrong With the Avengers in Under 3 Minutes

So here’s the list of “sins” and my response:

  1. This is a tesseract, and that’s pretty much all you’ll ever know for sure about it.

    Don’t they say, during the scene shown, that’s it’s a power source? It radiates energy. That’s all we need to know about it. So already we’ve started off exaggerating flaws. Or else we weren’t paying attention. Possibly both.

  2. Secret military research facility on a brightly lit exposed mesa

    Intelligence research. SHIELD is one of those cross-disciplinary agencies, and it has more in common with the CIA than the military. And who says it’s secret?

    Ok, that’s not a fair response. But this is. Everyone knows where Area 51 is as well. That doesn’t mean anyone gets in (unless you’re a 1950s psychic Soviet Agent with Indiana Jones in your trunk). “Top Secret” doesn’t mean it’s geographically hidden.

  3. Helicopters do not need to follow roadways.

    And yet they can. And they will if they are providing air support for a ground vehicles travelling on the road, which they are in this shot.

  4. Coulson wears sunglasses at night (so he can, so he can)

    Because he’s badass. Look, if wearing sunglasses at night is a “sin” for you, I’m not sure why you’re watching any non-documentary movie.

  5. Nick Fury’s character development literally begins and ends with “eye patch”

    Also: he will disobey orders he disagrees with. Also: he is manipulative and sneaky. Also: he is very aware of his surroundings and relevant factors (he questions where Hawkeye has been, he knows where he’s going, he gives orders on the run)—this actually provides a very nice foil. The eye patch indicates limited vision, but it’s Fury that believes in the Avengers initiative, the plan that ultimately works. This is not only an unfair charge, in indicates not paying attention to the movie again. Also, it misuses the word “literally.”

  6. Exciting superhero movies starts with plodding exposition

    Exposition that happens while people are evacuating a secret intelligence base that is about to blow up. Not sure what was “plodding” here.

  7. Possibly-racist movie kills two Asian extras in a row

    Perhaps I’m the racist. I didn’t even notice their ethnicity until this pointed them out. But how dare they put two Asians on the same security team.

  8. Tesseract powers allow for mind control by tapping the center of the chest

    Weren’t you just complaining that you never know anything about the Tesseract? Well here you go, here’s something else about it. Except that I think this is Loki’s spear powered by the tesseract more than the tesseract itself. Either way… why is this a problem? Is it the center of the chest? Is it because it’s “mind” control? Because that description downplays the actual effect—it changes motivation and allegience, fundamental personality changes. It’s not just “go do this.” In this case, why would we favor the brain over the center of the person?

  9. Dangerous energy source space doorway with gamma radiation? Screw it, transport by hand

    It’s not like they have it shielded when they’re not carrying it.

    To be fair, that doesn’t address the real issue, which is the open exposure of the tesseract, not the transportation. The gamma radiation is too low to be dangerous, which is why they can’t track it by the radiation alone. That’s why the scientists can work right next to it.

    Also, if you’re ascribing the space doorway to the tesseract, then there’s something else about it. So this further disproves #1.

  10. The “bullet-proof-vest fake out”

    I don’t think anyone is supposed to be faked out by this. The force of the shot still transfers to your body when you wear armor, it just spreads over a much wider area so the bullet doesn’t penetrate. It can still knock you back and it can still hurt like the dickens.

  11. First action piece of major superhero film is a boring car chase

    Didn’t you just show a clip of a guy getting shot? There’s a lot of gunfire and one-sided fighting in that. This isn’t the first action piece. I didn’t think it was particularly boring either. But that’s just opinion (which is why it shouldn’t be a “sin”).

  12. Scene does not contain a lap dance

    Ha ha! See, it’s funny because we’re sexless, sexist geeks. The only thing we care about Black Widow is that she’s hawt. Which is probably why you’re trying not to hate her by #36 below.

  13. Bruce Banner is hiding out where only little girls and S.H.I.E.L.D. can find him

    He is working as a doctor, so he needs to let locals find him. Plus the little girl in this scene was sent by SHIELD.

  14. Shield answers to: 4 people on vertical plasma screens?

    Teleconferencing is pretty common these days. You should look into it. It uses technology we’ve had for decades.

  15. Bad guy henchmen running laps.

    I don’t even know where you’re going with this one. Bad guy henchmen shouldn’t run? Or bad guy henchmen shouldn’t run when they are ordered to report immediately? Or bad guy henchmen should tell the audience where they’re going at all times?

  16. Loki’s scepter is also a space phone

    Again, I’m not seeing what’s wrong here. He’s a demigod. He has magical artifacts. If you can’t suspend your disbelief for that, maybe you shouldn’t watch movies with mythological figures for characters?

  17. The helicarrier is hella stupid

    This critique is hella stupid. I’m not even sure what they’re getting at. It looks, primarily, like an excuse to use the quasi-pun there.

  18. Cloaking device is dumb, but also I don’t know why they’re hiding

    Why is it dumb? Seriously, I’m not sure how to address this if you can’t say what’s dumb about it. As for why they’re hiding, it’s because there’s a supervillain who wants to stop them before they can thwart his plans. Best not to let him know he’s coming.

  19. Cap pays off bet he never technically accepted

    This is a character moment. Cap has the kind of honor that obliges him to do this even if society doesn’t expect it from him.

  20. “We’re sweeping every wirelessly accessible camera on the planet”

    See, I figured the government was doing this already (in the real world). I don’t see why they wouldn’t/couldn’t do it to find a global threat.

  21. Loki makes grand appearance changes that barely change his appearance

    The difference (a brightly colored outfit that includes a cape and huge ol’ horns sticking out of his head and a weird looking artifact in his hand) is enough to be the difference from being singled out as unusual. That’s all he needed.

  22. Attacks Germans but lectures them in English

    This one is pretty valid. They could have had the lines in German (surely Loki knows it as well as English) and put the translation at the bottom of the screen. Instead they just translated for us. It’s an actual flaw, but I’m not sure it rises to the level of “sin.”

  23. Did he just jump from a plane?

    He’s Captain Freaking America. Of course he just jumped from a plane. In the first issue of Civil War he surfs a plane from the helicarrier to the ground (and buys the pilot lunch afterward). He’s a superhero. Who, according to #43 below, is “basically indesctructable.” But even though he can do it and that would allow him to save that old man’s life, let’s have him not do it, because that will be “less silly.” Except then the complaint would be that he wasn’t proactive enough trying to get there.

  24. Cheesy and pointless Hitler reference

    In the comics, he has punched out Hitler. Literally. Historically, he’s anti-tyranny in general, but anti-fascism specifically. The Hitler reference is in character and nigh-necessary.

  25. Late night kidnap brotherly argument on a mountain

    Do you know any brothers? Fighting is what they do, especially when one is trying to take over the world and his brother, who still loves him, has a duty to stop him. They just happen to be on a mountain.

  26. Superhero pissing contest

    Seriously, it’s like you’ve never read a comic book with more than one hero. Plus, it’s awesome. And more to the point, it grows naturally out of the situation and Stark’s in-character behavior.

  27. Supervillain prisoner left unattended

    Yeah, it’s a bad choice for our heroes. But, from Thor’s perspective, how do you keep watch on the prisoner when a guy in a super-tech armored, armed suit is knocking you around? And from Tony’s perspective, it’s more important that Loki isn’t taken away from Earth or killed. It’s worth it if he gets away if Iron Man can stop Thor from doing what Tony thinks he’s doing (and yes, that’s based 100% on in-movie dialog). And from Loki’s perspective, well, he wants to be captured. It’s his plan.

  28. Superhero pissing contest number 2

    I guess if you’re upset that you’re watching a movie where a half-dozen relative strangers with clashing personalities don’t instantly become cuddly best friends, then this would be a problem. But for the rest of us, this is a well directed and written scene.

  29. Cap & Iron Man almost kiss

    I know a lot of fangirls whose only problem with this sentence is the word “almost.” So you’re not only sexist, you’re homophobic too.

  30. Mighty helicarrier basically neutered by one freaking arrow

    This is another one that’s pretty valid. Given, it’s an arrow that’s delivering targeted explosives shot by a superhero, but it doesn’t bode well for the helicarrier if they were attacked by some sort of aircraft with missiles, either. It’s pretty weak. The scene would be improved if they were boarded first, but that sacrifices showing just how incredible Hawkeye is with the bow. Though you could write something in where he uses the bow to get them aboard the carrier.

  31. Clearly no radio in his ear but he pretends to have one.

    This is clearly another production mistake. There should have been a prop or costume element there. So I’m giving this one a “valid complaint” as well.

  32. Computer virus delivered by arrow

    In your opinion, is this better or worse than delivering a virus via Macbook to an alien computer? (*checks off another scifi movie reference* There, I’ve almost met my quota.) I thought this was cool though. He would know where to shoot it, being a SHIELD agent, and he has the ability to fire weird arrows like this. And It plugs something flash drive-ish, so I’m not sure what the problem is here.

  33. For a super soldier, Captain America is a terrible shot

    Maybe mostly valid? It’s not an easy shot, and he’s under unusual duress, even for a soldier. But he’s right, he is a supersoldier with amazing abilities. He should be able to pull it off.

  34. Loki tricks Thor with the old “Lucy/Charlie Brown” football prank

    This actually would have been awesome if Thor had yelled “AUUUUUGH” after flying through Loki’s illusion. But as it is, I’m not particularly bothered by this. Even in mythology Thor was particularly prone to being deceived by Loki’s plans.

  35. So Loki’s plan was to get captured on purpose and have Hawkeye break him out, but no real objective?

    *Sigh* See, you weren’t watching the movie. Immediately previous to “Superhero pissing match number 2” Black Widow had discovered that Loki’s plan was to arouse and then release Hulk, causing destruction to SHIELD and “disassembling” the Avengers. So not only did he have an objective, he accomplished it.

  36. Long boring fight scene between characters we are already trying not to hate

    Is it boring because it has a woman? Although I’ll be honest, I’ve never been a particularly big fan of Hawkeye, and I do kind of hate him. But I don’t hate Black Widow. And I don’t think the fight was all that boring. It just had less explody stuff than the other fights. Maybe that’s what you don’t like.

  37. Tesseract mind-control powers erased with a simple blow to the head

    Yeah, I got nothing for this one. It’s not only overly-simple, it’s cliché in a Saturday-morning-cartoons kind of way. Maybe they should have had Banner whip something up in the lab. But as far as I can tell, no one was even working on the problem of how to undo the mind-control.

  38. Fury gives intimidating death stare to a computer screen

    He’s Samuel Frigging L Jackson. That’s how he always looks.

    Ok, seriously, I don’t think he was staring at the screen. More at the situation.

  39. “Dying-person-can’t-finish–their-last-profound-statement-before-dying” cliché

    It wasn’t a plot-driven “withhold information” unfinished statement though. He said enough for us to know what he meant. What? You think death waits for you to finish? Not generally. That dude got stuffs to do, bro! Although, it was pointed out to me that it was Disney. Of course it’s cliché. The only way to make it more cliché would be to give Coulson rabies first. So maybe I give this one half a point.

  40. Bad news negates need for medical care

    No, bad news trumps the priority of getting that medical care.

  41. Nick Fury motivates the team by lying about the location of baseball cards

    That’s another Fury character moment. He’s manipulative. Of course he’s going to stage it to be the most convincing he can get it.

  42. Cap gets AIDS from handling bloody baseball card

    This is not only ungrounded on anything in the movie, not only untrue, but also pretty offensive. I know the point of this video was to make giggles. But you’re just not as good at it as the “How it should have ended” folk. It’s not funny to make up flaws in a movie that are baseless and you don’t believe. Or else you’re just not funny. Either way, I’m tempted to give a point back to the movie for this one. [EDITOR NOTE: Using “AIDS” as a joke is pretty common for entry-level comics, and its not funny then either]

  43. Basically-indestructible heroes still need little league pep talk to get up for the big challenge

    I’m not sure if the double entendre is here on purpose or not. Either way, yeah, they’ve been screwing up. They need some perspective. And they’ve been acting like children. So why wouldn’t they need a lecture?

  44. Thor has trouble picking up his hammer but it’s never explained

    Thor has trouble picking up his hammer because he’s not sure he’s worthy. It’s not the hammer denying him, he’s denying himself. He’s been part of that childishness and he knows he’s stooped below his level.

  45. Every gadget in this f*cking movie has to glow with a blue light

    Well, yeah, so what? It’s a unifying design element.

  46. Loki patiently waits for Iron Man to remove the damaged suit, grab a drink, banter a bit, and put on a new suit, instead of just killing him

    That’s what Loki does. He’s not very good with ultimately winning moves. Plus he thinks he’s going to have control of Stark in a minute, so why not hear what he has to say and get some intelligence first.

  47. Too bad Loki’s mind control powers only work if the scepter touches the exact center of a person’s chest.

    This doesn’t count as a new one. If anything, it justifies establishing that this is how it works in the first scene. And maybe it does work elsewhere, but that’s where Loki has chosen first and he’s confused when it’s blocked by Tony’s arc reactor.

  48. Generic bad guy soldiers whose abilities and shortcomings are never explained

    Do we go over all the abilities and weakness of a human army when they show up in a movie? These guys are warriors with tech. What else do we need?

  49. Why are they even trying to stop an army that we never once see kill or injure a human being

    No deaths on screen, but they’re not shy about knocking down skyscrapers or jumping through office windows and shooting at people. Pretty sure this makes them a legitimate threat to be stopped.

  50. Captain America is really more of a super-gymnast than a super-hero

    I’m not sure how to react to this one, because I don’t see what’s really wrong? If it’s because Cap doesn’t do anything but flip, that’s wrong. He does a lot of very hands one fighting. But maybe your point is that gymnasts are inherently unheroic?

  51. Black Widow knows exactly how to handle and fire an alien weapon seconds after picking it up

    Let’s go back to the scene you didn’t like because there was no lap dancing. Black Widow is very good at handling whatever happens to be around and using it as a weapon. She doesn’t need training to figure out how to twirl a long stick and hit people with it, and as far as firing it, she just needs to know where the trigger (or equivalent) is, and she’s seen lots of them do that. As far as aiming it? They’re like, 8 inches away. If she couldn’t hit at that range, she wouldn’t be an operative for an extremely-well funded defense intelligence group.

  52. And suddenly, there was Bruce Banner on a motorcycle

    Because it was established he was on his way. So… he shouldn’t have arrived? Plus, it was a scooter.

  53. Production Design 101: Don’t imitate anything from Transformers

    I dunno. I thought it was pretty awesome to have giant flying indestructible armored worms. But then, visually speaking, Transformers was an impressive film. It’s the story and writing that weren’t great.

  54. Hulk can suddenly control his powers because the story demands it

    Before the last fight of The Incredible Hulk he talks about aiming himself, like a bullet, even if he can’t be controlled when he goes off. Stark obviously believes Banner has a little bit of control. At the very end of The Incredible Hulk we see Banner consciously activating the change, presumably with more control. When the security guard finds Banner, he explains that the Hulk was aiming himself away from innocents. So it looks like he has better control when he chooses to change than he does when he changes because of pain and confusion (like when he does on the helicarrier). And anyway, he does still carry a grudge, leading to the moment when he casually punches out Thor.

  55. Thor’s lightning turns out to be really, really effective against the aliens, but he only uses it once

    While possibly true, Thor looks pretty exhausted. No explicit or definite explanation why it happens though, so I give it half a credit.

  56. The Council would rather definitely kill everyone in New York with a nuclear weapon than maybe have some die in an alien invasion

    The Council would rather definitely kill everyone in New York than live with the near certainty that the entire world would be in the thrall of an alien invasion let by a demi-god tyrant.

  57. Loki gets caught monologuing

    It’s in his nature. Plus, he’s been told time and again his plan isn’t going to work. In the back of his mind, he kind of knows it. That’s why he’s in “it’s not fair” mode. Which is less of a monologue and more of a confused whine.

  58. Nick Fury fires a missile at an American to stop him from firing a missile at Americans

    Nick Fury fires a missile at a rogue fighter pilot with the mission of killing millions of Americans. Good for him. Although I’m pretty sure the only reason this was in there was because of the parallel structure of the phrasing. The setup was weak though, fellas. So it wasn’t really amusing.

  59. All the enemy soldiers die like b*tches once the mother ship is exploded

    Ok, when this happened in The Phantom Menace it was because they were droid soldiers engineered by merchants instead of someone with military tactical grounding. I can accept that. After all, almost their entire blockade left earlier.

    When it happened in Return of the King they didn’t lie, they just ran in terror because the only thing unifying them as a fighting force has very dramatically crumbled to the ground. Why would they stay around and fight? (there, that fulfills my scifi movie reference quota.)

    But when it happens in Avengers, they do all die, even though they’re not robots (we see flesh more than once). So… why? It’s pretty weak. This is probably the most significant problem with the movie.

  60. There’s no gravity in space, but Iron Man falls back to Earth anyway.

    Newton’s third law. Any action has an equal and opposite reaction. This is why you get recoil from firing a gun. It’s also why rockets can be pushed by shooting chemical fires out their back end. It’s also why Iron Man floats slowly back the way he came after pushing a missile at the enemy.

    And yes, there is gravity in space. There’s gravity anywhere. Anytime you experience “true weightlessness” in space it’s because the various sources of gravitational pull and/or momentum are in relative balance, meaning there’s no force pulling/pushing you stronger than the collective force pulling the opposite direction. I also wonder what says that the portal blocks the effects of gravity. If it doesn’t, it’s pretty close. Of course Iron Man would be pulled back, it’s not like he has velocity that sends him around the planet.

  61. Are Banner and Stark dating now?

    What if they are? I guess Pepper Potts might get angry, but it’d still be consistent with Stark’s personality. And he was flirting pretty hard when he first met Banner.

  62. Credits scene to tease the next movie turns out to be homework assignment

    Only because you don’t have friends, I guess. If you didn’t know who Thanos was and that this was Thanos, you could ask any comic nerd. That’s not really research. Or you could just accept that there’s a bad guy out there who relishes the idea of flirting with death, and will therefore take on the Avengers even though he knows they’re powerful.

  63. Shawarma scene missed by any moviegoer who didn’t realize there would be two end-credit scenes (so basically everyone).

    I don’t know a single person who didn’t stay for this. And if you weren’t aware that there would be an after-credit scene, it’s only because you didn’t watch any of the half-dozen movies leading up to this. You have no one to blame but yourself.

The creators of the video gave this 64 “sins.” But they miscount, because where they count from 9 to 11 there’s some kind of glitch and they pretty much skip 10. There’s only 63 mentioned. (They did stay under 3 minutes though, so… that counts for something, I guess?)

But having gone through, I’m only seeing 7 valid complaints. 8 if you don’t think there should be half-points.

  1. Attacks Germans but lectures them in English
  2. Mighty helicarrier basically neutered by one freaking arrow
  3. Clearly no radio in his ear but he pretends to have one
  4. For a super soldier, Captain America is a terrible shot
  5. Tesseract mind-control powers erased with a simple blow to the head
  6. “Dying-person-can’t-finish–their-last-profound-statement-before-dying” cliché (half a point)
  7. Thor’s lightning turns out to be really, really effective against the aliens, but he only uses it once
  8. All the enemy soldiers die like b*tches once the mother ship is exploded

Of those two were sloppiness in production, four are bad writing, and two are minor shortcuts. As a writer myself, I’m apt to forgive the sloppiness without ever thinking about it.

So, six problems in an awesome movie? I can’t think why I would object to that. That’s pretty good. I had more complaints than that about the Hobbit, and I loved that movie.

5 thoughts on “What's Wrong with The Avengers

    1. Or, more likely, someone is tired of people thinking they’re awesome because they said something nonsensical about something someone actually worked on.

  1. I have mixed feeling after reading what you wrote. Not sure if you tried to troll them, as they try to troll movies, or you were completely serious (but my guess is the later), but this is made for fun. They do it for fun, and while I do agree quite a bit of their sins are stupid (and they do it as well), I am having fun watching them. I had fun reading this as well, but if you were serious with this, it kills it completely. Chillax dude, have fun.

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